:
"hey, have you been to the NHS ceremony before?"
"is that when they light candles or something?"
"well, mine's coming up..."
"yeah, i've been to your brother and sister's already."
from the beginning of the national honor society process, i always thought it was stupid. i saw that the brainless and imbecilic were nominated, while the bright and knowing that could - and no doubt, would - change the world were not even considered for candidacy. and so, i went around personally, though ineffectively, defaming the organization i was forced to vie for a membership in. i knew the whole thing was stupid.
but tonight i see that i might've characterized it in this way because of my parents. and i never blame them for anything because they are the greatest people i know, and the word greatest encompasses all else that i cannot express in words. courage, talent, perseverance, determination, diligence, selflessness, and whatever else i've failed to include. they are at this moment what the world so severely lacks. but i can't help but feel this dejection inside.
my parents went to everything of my brother and sister's, including both of their national honor society inductions. and i understand probably more than some people ever will when it comes to how busy one can get, but the last thing i remember that my mother went to was my second grade spanish skit, and i have no memory of what special event of mine my father attended. it is the most difficult thing to ask my parents for even a ride to these things - and it hurt enough to request a ride to tonight's ceremony - let alone asking them to stay.
i sat in the car for an extra three minutes before i went inside, but before departure, i quickly slipped in a "if you and mom can come, it starts at seven. you should see the cool candles...it's fun." and julie. julie who fought so hard to be the one to pass me my flame, and as stupid and inane as it sounds, she supported me the whole time - that julie asked me if i knew where my parents were - i told her i didn't even try looking; it was too dark. but i tried looking, even though i think within i knew they weren't there. they couldn't have been. it's just never been, and you just can't hope for what's never been.
and i can almost say that i was happy throughout the night because it was fun. i try to always have fun. but i was smiling big and thinking glee when andrew told me his grandma couldn't resist clapping or saying his name. or maybe i meant until andrew told me ...and i smiled back because i thought it was adorable.
a former teacher of mine rushed up to me to give me a kiss and tell me how sublime this all was for me. i wouldn't be able to count all of the people that said congratulations to me tonight - and i'm positive some were sincere, and i thank them all for seeing something in me. but i walked back to the car tonight, and my parents ask me how it went, and i said it was okay. and i let them know i almost went out but i've too much homework to complete, to which my dad could only say what he's been telling me ever since i started high school: "you need to think about your SATs." and then my mother asks me if i've even finished registration, and i can't take it anymore. i'm just breaking down inside. why is it that all of our few conversations always revolve around this same subject? the topic in which i so desperately need aid in, apparently. it never really occurred to me before that people who've known me so few years are so proud of me, and my parents can only think about how much work i need on this fucking aptitude test that was once used for training soldiers but is now used for colleges to reap in some money. i can't stand it. if i'm the fallen child, the lost lamb, then i think i need the most encouragement, not the acerbic words - they cut right through me, no matter how many times i've heard them - they. hurt. each. time.
and it came to me tonight - another thing. i wait for christmas every year because it's my favorite time, unquestionably. it's the one time i have ever seen my entire family - my mother, my father, brother, sister - at the very same time - and sentimental reasons aside, i think it might also have to do with not being singled out every day of my current life. i try so hard to be original and different in the right light, but all they ever see are my flaws. it's like they have these special lenses prepared especially for optating my imperfections, and it just leads me to believe it's all i am. imperfections. it's all i'll ever be. a spot, a stain. but i'm also tired. i'm exhausted, i'm beat, i'm worn out.
my parents could care less about my nomination. my acceptance. the honor, the prestige, the whatever shit the school tells me it is.
i always knew NHS was stupid.
"hey, have you been to the NHS ceremony before?"
"is that when they light candles or something?"
"well, mine's coming up..."
"yeah, i've been to your brother and sister's already."
from the beginning of the national honor society process, i always thought it was stupid. i saw that the brainless and imbecilic were nominated, while the bright and knowing that could - and no doubt, would - change the world were not even considered for candidacy. and so, i went around personally, though ineffectively, defaming the organization i was forced to vie for a membership in. i knew the whole thing was stupid.
but tonight i see that i might've characterized it in this way because of my parents. and i never blame them for anything because they are the greatest people i know, and the word greatest encompasses all else that i cannot express in words. courage, talent, perseverance, determination, diligence, selflessness, and whatever else i've failed to include. they are at this moment what the world so severely lacks. but i can't help but feel this dejection inside.
my parents went to everything of my brother and sister's, including both of their national honor society inductions. and i understand probably more than some people ever will when it comes to how busy one can get, but the last thing i remember that my mother went to was my second grade spanish skit, and i have no memory of what special event of mine my father attended. it is the most difficult thing to ask my parents for even a ride to these things - and it hurt enough to request a ride to tonight's ceremony - let alone asking them to stay.
i sat in the car for an extra three minutes before i went inside, but before departure, i quickly slipped in a "if you and mom can come, it starts at seven. you should see the cool candles...it's fun." and julie. julie who fought so hard to be the one to pass me my flame, and as stupid and inane as it sounds, she supported me the whole time - that julie asked me if i knew where my parents were - i told her i didn't even try looking; it was too dark. but i tried looking, even though i think within i knew they weren't there. they couldn't have been. it's just never been, and you just can't hope for what's never been.
and i can almost say that i was happy throughout the night because it was fun. i try to always have fun. but i was smiling big and thinking glee when andrew told me his grandma couldn't resist clapping or saying his name. or maybe i meant until andrew told me ...and i smiled back because i thought it was adorable.
a former teacher of mine rushed up to me to give me a kiss and tell me how sublime this all was for me. i wouldn't be able to count all of the people that said congratulations to me tonight - and i'm positive some were sincere, and i thank them all for seeing something in me. but i walked back to the car tonight, and my parents ask me how it went, and i said it was okay. and i let them know i almost went out but i've too much homework to complete, to which my dad could only say what he's been telling me ever since i started high school: "you need to think about your SATs." and then my mother asks me if i've even finished registration, and i can't take it anymore. i'm just breaking down inside. why is it that all of our few conversations always revolve around this same subject? the topic in which i so desperately need aid in, apparently. it never really occurred to me before that people who've known me so few years are so proud of me, and my parents can only think about how much work i need on this fucking aptitude test that was once used for training soldiers but is now used for colleges to reap in some money. i can't stand it. if i'm the fallen child, the lost lamb, then i think i need the most encouragement, not the acerbic words - they cut right through me, no matter how many times i've heard them - they. hurt. each. time.
and it came to me tonight - another thing. i wait for christmas every year because it's my favorite time, unquestionably. it's the one time i have ever seen my entire family - my mother, my father, brother, sister - at the very same time - and sentimental reasons aside, i think it might also have to do with not being singled out every day of my current life. i try so hard to be original and different in the right light, but all they ever see are my flaws. it's like they have these special lenses prepared especially for optating my imperfections, and it just leads me to believe it's all i am. imperfections. it's all i'll ever be. a spot, a stain. but i'm also tired. i'm exhausted, i'm beat, i'm worn out.
my parents could care less about my nomination. my acceptance. the honor, the prestige, the whatever shit the school tells me it is.
i always knew NHS was stupid.